losing the battle

losing the battle

she asked

“why do you act like life is a battle?”

i was stuffing necessities in my sack

in preparation for another school day

but that statement made me stop

and think...

the first question was,

do i?

it was instinctual, a defense mechanism. i knew i did, but she was attacking me. so maybe there was no merit to her accusations. but there was. and she was right. i was in the very heart of a battle

the second question was,

why doesnt everyone else?

i had no idea

i said in my head to her,

“because, it feels like theres so much at stake. because, it feels like the obstacles are malicious. because, i dont know what im fighting for or whose interests im benefiting. because, all i see is life murdering itself. because, even though we hide behind civility, a little voice inside me says, ‘these are your enemies’. they smile, and shake your hand, and hold doors for you, but they would club your skull in with a femur bone under the right circumstances. because, i cant even look at a seemingly tranquil scene with butterflies, flowers and bees and not see the turmoil that is the very fabric of reality stretching and straining to keep everything in focus so the dream can feel real. because, i dont want to die. because, i want to win”

...i decided

looking at her glowing eyes and glowing soul

for tactical purposes it was better to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself

she saw butterflies, flowers and bees

and nothing more

i felt the hordes closing in

so i threw on my pack, grabbed her by the hand and said “lets go”

there was the disturbing feeling of seeping worlds and a tightening in our hold

at that moment

i think we both kind of felt sad for each other